Lessons

So many lessons, so many tears

Hidden worries, hidden fears

Starting over, starting afresh

Before and after never mesh

Who I was, and who I’ll be

Conflicting worlds, conflicting me

Me and Humpty, both are tattered

He is broken, I am shattered

So many lessons, so many tears

Living moments, dreaming years

Wishing and wanting, don’t make it so

But what will be is yet to know

Who I was, and who I’ll be

Eternally cautious, grateful me

Lessons learned of life embraced

Imperfect me, perfectly graced

So many lessons, so many tears

Second chances, new found years

Happy is, as happy does

Loving the life of the girl that was

Fix Me

You can’t fix me

Neither can I

And the unspoken disappointment

Makes me want to cry

Cancer has broken me

In ways you can’t know

Surgical scars are visible

But the worst ones don’t show

There’s a hole inside

Where once was me

Few remnants remain

Sadly none you can see

You can’t fix me

Neither can I

My tears fall silently

Down my cheek and dry

Body turned on me

Reality shaken

Fear moved in

Confidence overtaken

There’s a shell outside

Which once was me

Unrecognizable mostly

Sadly all can see

You can’t fix me

Neither can I

I have stood on deaths doorstep

Looked it straight in the eye

You want it to be over

Starting fresh, start anew

But normal now evades me

Who I am, what I do

The pain still reminds me

It wont let me forget

My body can’t be trusted

It may turn again yet

No you can’t fix me

And no neither can I

But together we can learn

How to live before we die

Living in the Moment

Living in the moment

Not looking fore or back

Focused on who I've become

Mourning what I lack

Shell shocked by reality

Rediscovering who I can be

Questioning what once was real

What you get is what you see

Change infiltrates obliterates

Normal has given way

Creating holes, a rebirth of sorts

Renewed again each day

Rethinking rebuilding digging deep

Living the journey that is mine

Cursed yet blessed with the path I am on

Grateful for the gift of time

I've learned what you cant without this pain

Busy is not living in the end

Building for tomorrow comes at a price

And its Life that you sadly spend

Everything I know about life I learned from BREAST CANCER?!?!?

My battle with breast cancer has taught me more than a few lessons...here are some of the biggies...

• I am not the sum of my parts
• The world is full of incredibly good-hearted people
• Breast cancer does not negotiate. It is wholly in charge
• I dont look good bald
• I am strong beyond my own belief
• Being vulnerable is more difficult for me than being strong
• Every family has a breast cancer story (or sadly will have)
• Chemotherapy is a necessary evil but an evil nonetheless
• Nose hair is hugely taken for granted
• Healing happens in its own time. But it happens
• Family & friends are forever interwoven into the tapestry of my life
• Like labour & delivery -- everyone's breast cancer experience is the same yet different
• Hugs are magic
• Life is fragile
• When you really believe you are going to die - - what you have accumulated never enters your mind. Your thoughts are singularly about the people you may leave behind
• Sharing my story out loud keeps me out of my own head. Sometimes a scary place
• Laughter really is the best medicine (ok maybe not the best but a close second to a Merlot)
• I now know who I can count on to be there in a crisis. And who I can't
• Why me? is not the question. Why anyone? is
• Prayers help
• Friends are the family you chose for yourself
• More frightening than the fear that I will have to go thru treatment again is the terror that someone else I love may have to

Some lives are “touched by cancer”

Mine feels decimated

Every aspect of my being

Every pore infiltrated

Chemicals sent in to save me

To battle my disease

Wreaking havoc on my being

Brought me to my knees

Like a bomb deployed inside me

Leaving little in its wake

Mentally, physically depleted

Not much left to take

I don’t even recognize myself

When I must look in the mirror

Mentally and physically altered

Every thought wrapped in fear

So much to be grateful for

One of the lucky ones for sure

But life is meant for living

Not simply to endure

Struggling to heal my soul

And reclaim me along the way

Need to feel the joy in every breath

And the love for each new day

My inner superhero must be resting

But she’ll resurface I know she will

Healing doesn’t happen overnight

Time is my magic pill

Mom always thought I should be a writer...wonder if blogging is what she had in mind?!?!

Look at me entering the word of blogging. Truth be told I am not certain why except to say that I love the written word and find it incredibly therapeutic to write (and gawd knows I could use some therapy!!LOL) So, here it is, a free forum in which to share my rambling thoughts to be absorbed, or ignored, by those so inclined, so why not give it a go (thats what she said).

I suspect my blog will morph with time (and by time I may mean minutes) as I am literally flying by the seat of my pants here while trying to funnel my thoughts into a semblance of order. In the meantime, be forewarned that my rantings may take on any number of topics -- hopefully all of which will be relatable to one or perhaps to the bigger audience of "some".

Why "Observations from the edge..."? Edge of middle-age, edge of reason, edge of happiness, edge of losing it, edge of death, edge of understanding... you pick. I have been on the edge alot this past year and I've made some observations that I'd like to share.

Hugs and hope,

Colleen

Coming up next time... "Everyone needs a Lynda"