Fix Me

You can’t fix me

Neither can I

And the unspoken disappointment

Makes me want to cry

Cancer has broken me

In ways you can’t know

Surgical scars are visible

But the worst ones don’t show

There’s a hole inside

Where once was me

Few remnants remain

Sadly none you can see

You can’t fix me

Neither can I

My tears fall silently

Down my cheek and dry

Body turned on me

Reality shaken

Fear moved in

Confidence overtaken

There’s a shell outside

Which once was me

Unrecognizable mostly

Sadly all can see

You can’t fix me

Neither can I

I have stood on deaths doorstep

Looked it straight in the eye

You want it to be over

Starting fresh, start anew

But normal now evades me

Who I am, what I do

The pain still reminds me

It wont let me forget

My body can’t be trusted

It may turn again yet

No you can’t fix me

And no neither can I

But together we can learn

How to live before we die

Living in the Moment

Living in the moment

Not looking fore or back

Focused on who I've become

Mourning what I lack

Shell shocked by reality

Rediscovering who I can be

Questioning what once was real

What you get is what you see

Change infiltrates obliterates

Normal has given way

Creating holes, a rebirth of sorts

Renewed again each day

Rethinking rebuilding digging deep

Living the journey that is mine

Cursed yet blessed with the path I am on

Grateful for the gift of time

I've learned what you cant without this pain

Busy is not living in the end

Building for tomorrow comes at a price

And its Life that you sadly spend

Everything I know about life I learned from BREAST CANCER?!?!?

My battle with breast cancer has taught me more than a few lessons...here are some of the biggies...

• I am not the sum of my parts
• The world is full of incredibly good-hearted people
• Breast cancer does not negotiate. It is wholly in charge
• I dont look good bald
• I am strong beyond my own belief
• Being vulnerable is more difficult for me than being strong
• Every family has a breast cancer story (or sadly will have)
• Chemotherapy is a necessary evil but an evil nonetheless
• Nose hair is hugely taken for granted
• Healing happens in its own time. But it happens
• Family & friends are forever interwoven into the tapestry of my life
• Like labour & delivery -- everyone's breast cancer experience is the same yet different
• Hugs are magic
• Life is fragile
• When you really believe you are going to die - - what you have accumulated never enters your mind. Your thoughts are singularly about the people you may leave behind
• Sharing my story out loud keeps me out of my own head. Sometimes a scary place
• Laughter really is the best medicine (ok maybe not the best but a close second to a Merlot)
• I now know who I can count on to be there in a crisis. And who I can't
• Why me? is not the question. Why anyone? is
• Prayers help
• Friends are the family you chose for yourself
• More frightening than the fear that I will have to go thru treatment again is the terror that someone else I love may have to